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An Impossible Dream

Title: An Impossible Dream
Fandom: Lost
Characters: Michael, Sun, mentions of Jin and ensemble.
Pairings: Michael/Sun
Spoilers: only up to the end of S4
Rating: PG
Summary: Michael struggles with his unrequited feelings for Sun.

As Michael looks at Sun for what he knows will be the last time, he thinks for a moment that it didn't have to be like this. They could have had something special, he thinks.

Well, maybe they could. It's equally possible that anything they had had wouldn't have lasted, that Jin and Sun's love would have been strong enough to withstand anything. And God knew that Jin had been the closest thing to a friend Michael had had on the island, even as the guilt Michael had always felt over his feelings for Sun had threatened to get in the way.

But it could have been that something had developed between Michael and Sun. There had certainly been the opportunities in the early days on the island. But it was just typical of Michael to screw everything up.

He hadn't taken much notice of Sun when they first crashed on the island. In the first place, that had been because he thought they weren't going to be there for long anyway. Just a couple of days, and then none of them would ever see each other again.

And besides, she couldn't speak English. What could he possibly have to say to her? Everyone kind of avoided her in a similar way to they way they avoided Claire, because they couldn't communicate with her.

In Michael's case, he'd felt that he had another reason to avoid her, after that day he'd come across her washing herself by accident. Man, that had been embarrassing. He had to admit he was relieved her crazy husband hadn't been there to see it.

But there had been something about her that made him feel gauche and awkward, which he'd put down to the embarrassment he'd felt about the clumsy hand gestures and slow deliberate English he'd used with her before he found out she was fluent. But deep down he'd known it wasn't that, not really.

Michael couldn't understand at the time why Sun still stayed with a man who she was too frightened to tell that she spoke English. He had tried to tell himself that he'd have felt much the same if any one of them had been trapped in that kind of abusive relationship. But if he was honest with himself, he had to admit that it was because of Sun that he was concerned, that there was something about her that made him want to reach out and protect her, take her as far away as possible from this island, from Jin.

Sun had been the only one he could really talk to about his worries about bringing up Walt. Locke was part of the problem, Jack had his own stuff to deal with, Sawyer didn't give a damn about anyone but himself, and the comment Hurley hadn't realised he'd overheard about how he seemed to hate being a dad just proved that he hadn't got a clue. In some ways it must have been hard for Sun to understand too, after all she had mentioned once (while trying to convince Michael that Jin hadn't always been that way) that they had tried once to have a baby in Korea, but couldn't. Yet she still tried to understand Michael's own confused feelings about fatherhood, still listened to his fears about whether he could ever be a good father to Walt.

He'd fulfilled a similar role for Sun, though, being the only one to know for a long time that she could speak English. She'd talked to him once about how she'd been planning to leave Jin, but had stayed because she was too scared. Michael had thought instead how brave she'd been since arriving there, but in a way it was easier for him to believe that she was scared, rather than that she still loved Jin.

He realised that it was an impossible dream, had probably known that ever since the day Sun had slapped him as he'd tried to intervene between her and Jin.

She could say all she liked that she was protecting Michael, not Jin, when she slapped him. But Michael hadn't been sure that was true. They may have been stuck on this goddamn island for who knew how long, but that didn't mean that Sun necessarily had to stay with Jin. Look at all that stuff Locke had said about starting a new life on the island. It would have been so easy for Michael and Sun to have started theirs.

But it had all been one sided, Michael could see that now. Where once she would have gone to him for comfort, Sun had begun to push Michael away, turning instead to Kate. She'd approached him once, the morning after the confrontation with Jin, told Michael that Jin had suspected there was something between them. Michael had attempted to laugh the matter off, but Sun had said she thought it might be better if she kept a bit of distance from Michael, at least for the time being.

And Michael had finally known what he'd suspected all along. When it had come down to it, Sun had made her choice, and she'd chosen Jin.

Michael had redoubled his efforts to get the second raft built, and get himself and Walt the hell off the island. It was true what he'd said about thinking the island wasn't the best place to raise Walt. But there was another reason now, to get off the island so he could put a bit of distance between himself and Sun, so he wouldn't have to watch her try and make a go of it with her husband.

On the raft, he'd laughed about it when Jin had talked about the list of English words she'd given him. The language barrier had been kind of a relief then; Jin wouldn't understand what Michael had really meant when he'd said "I wish she had made one for me" and "You're lucky to have her."

The crazy thing is, now he and Jin understood each other better, he did feel that maybe they could be friends. But he hadn't really known how to react when Jin had given him the watch. It felt wrong somehow, accepting that gift when he harboured feelings for Jin's wife. The reason they'd fought in the first place had been because Jin had seen the watch issue as a question of honour, and there was Michael dishonouring Jin in the worst possible way. In the end, not knowing what else to do, he'd accepted the gift.

He'd deliberately turned his back to the island, looked forward to his new life in New York with Walt.

And even as he'd hoped the attempt would bring her rescue, Michael had tried not to think of Sun's new life with Jin.

He'd shared a lot with Sun in the early days on the island. But not this; now he had something he could never share with her. Sun is a good person; this is something she could never understand.

It's hard for Michael to know what to say, knowing she's genuinely pleased to see him back again, Jin too, and thinking about how she would react if she knew what he had done.

Michael couldn't explain that it had seemed the only thing he could do at the time to get Walt back. He hadn't thought about the consequences when he killed Ana Lucia, hadn't thought about how he would feel afterwards, hadn't thought of the impact on his relationships with his friends.

He flinched from the genuine concern in Sun's and Jin's eyes as Sun hugged him, as he'd mouthed some stupid platitudes about how he was fine. Sun had mistaken the expression on his face for grief for Ana Lucia and Libby, although he did grieve in his own way, and for anger at the Others, who he'd let everyone believe were responsible for their deaths. He knows he can never tell her what really happened.

At one time, there had been nothing he'd felt unable to talk about with Sun. Now there's a barrier that can never be broken.

Michael tried not to think about Sun after arriving back in New York. The last couple of weeks, since Walt hadn't wanted to speak to him, he'd had no emotions left to deal with her anyway. He couldn't deal with anything except Walt at the time.

But when Tom had reminded him of all the people who could be in danger if Michael failed to stop the freighter landing on the island, Michael had wondered if somehow he'd known, since he mentioned Sun's name first. (Wouldn't have surprised him; the Others had seemed to know just about everything else.)

He looks at Sun now for what will be the last time, knowing that there could be no going back. The look of mistrust in her eyes is clear, deepening as he told his story of how he came to be on the freighter, leading Sun to believe he was working for Ben Linus.

As she told Michael she was pregnant, he forced a smile as he said "Congratulations, Sun." He knew now that it was more important than ever that he stopped the explosives, so Sun and Jin could get home, bring up their child together, so Jin can experience all the opportunities of fatherhood that Michael himself had missed.

As Michael looked at Sun, he let go of all the hopes he'd ever harboured of a future with Sun, and pins all his hopes instead on the future for Sun and Jin. She deserves to be happy, both of them do. As Michael tells Jin to go and be with Sun, and the strange man appears and tells him he can go, Michael is at peace knowing he's finally done the right thing for once.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 12th, 2009 11:50 pm (UTC)
Aw, this is sweet and sad. I really like your take on what was going on in Michael's head. Very nice. :)
May. 15th, 2009 10:27 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Was something different for me since I'm normally such a Jin/Sun shipper, but enjoyed writing it anyway!
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


zoe noah
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